You IM'd me last night to tell me you knew how I felt when I told you I was depressed.
You told me you'd felt that way for a while
And that you'd gotten help
And you stopped taking the pills
You didn't ask if I'd gotten help, and you didn't ask if I needed help
I know we aren't friends anymore, and I was doing great without you
But when you started talking to me again a few months ago, I wanted to die. YOu don't know what you do to me, and I can't ever tell you, and I hate it.
You're a fucking leech.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Am I Insane?
So I'm not exactly a loyal blogger. But then again, its not like I have any loyal readers.
I guess, I'm just tired of talking completely to myself. So why not post my thoughts on the Internet?
I'm a little scared, honestly. I mean, I have a complete list of different mental disorders I may have, many that I'm sure of.
I'm 90% positive that I am bipolar. And the problem isn't with getting it diagnosed, but my parents have this pedestal they've put me on, and I'm not sure how they would take it if they truly realized I was damaged. But I take handle hiding it any more. I keep so much inside, that now I have an anxiety disorder. I took a test that told me I have server anxiety, and server type 1 bipolar disorder. If all of this is true, I'd like to know. If everything that I wrong with me can be managed with a pill or two, bring it on.
But I am so sick of crying in my room, wanting some sort of release. And not being able to tell anyone because I'm terrified to let my parents down and break their hearts.
I can't be the person I am, because no one would even understand that. So I put on a mask all the time, and when things get too hard, I hide away in my bedroom and tell people that I'm tired.
Now, as for why I even took the anxiety online test:
You see, I used to not mind being in crowds of people, and what not. But these past few weeks, when I'm in the halls, I get nervous, terrified even. And I cant breathe. So I just claw at myself and run to my class. I cant take a deep breath until I am sitting down at my desk, and even still its shaky and unstable. So that brings us to the test, I saw it online, and was curious. Giving in to my speculations, I clicked on it. But as I was looking at the questions that ranged for the last month of my life, I found myself clicking mainly of "almost always". I hadn't thought it was that bad, not until the results said I was suffering with server anxiety. I know that it isn't an exact diagnosis, but it still scared and shocked me. Even still I have every symptom related to the bipolar disorder.
My only problem is this, when I go to the doctor on Friday to discus my inability to sleep, should I bring it up to him or her then? Do I ask my mom to leave the room? Or do I tell him my speculations in front of her? Or, do I tell her I want my independence, and say I want to do this appointment without her? After all, I am 17.
Truly, I need some help, of any kind!
Bye...
I guess, I'm just tired of talking completely to myself. So why not post my thoughts on the Internet?
I'm a little scared, honestly. I mean, I have a complete list of different mental disorders I may have, many that I'm sure of.
I'm 90% positive that I am bipolar. And the problem isn't with getting it diagnosed, but my parents have this pedestal they've put me on, and I'm not sure how they would take it if they truly realized I was damaged. But I take handle hiding it any more. I keep so much inside, that now I have an anxiety disorder. I took a test that told me I have server anxiety, and server type 1 bipolar disorder. If all of this is true, I'd like to know. If everything that I wrong with me can be managed with a pill or two, bring it on.
But I am so sick of crying in my room, wanting some sort of release. And not being able to tell anyone because I'm terrified to let my parents down and break their hearts.
I can't be the person I am, because no one would even understand that. So I put on a mask all the time, and when things get too hard, I hide away in my bedroom and tell people that I'm tired.
Now, as for why I even took the anxiety online test:
You see, I used to not mind being in crowds of people, and what not. But these past few weeks, when I'm in the halls, I get nervous, terrified even. And I cant breathe. So I just claw at myself and run to my class. I cant take a deep breath until I am sitting down at my desk, and even still its shaky and unstable. So that brings us to the test, I saw it online, and was curious. Giving in to my speculations, I clicked on it. But as I was looking at the questions that ranged for the last month of my life, I found myself clicking mainly of "almost always". I hadn't thought it was that bad, not until the results said I was suffering with server anxiety. I know that it isn't an exact diagnosis, but it still scared and shocked me. Even still I have every symptom related to the bipolar disorder.
My only problem is this, when I go to the doctor on Friday to discus my inability to sleep, should I bring it up to him or her then? Do I ask my mom to leave the room? Or do I tell him my speculations in front of her? Or, do I tell her I want my independence, and say I want to do this appointment without her? After all, I am 17.
Truly, I need some help, of any kind!
Bye...
Monday, May 31, 2010
Got hope?
Holidays are always a huge letdown, am I right?
I mean, as a human population we have hopes, dreams, and asperations. But life seems to pound down our expectations. Because we hope so much for something great, and when the real thing comes, it cant compare! Not it the slightest.
I've found that the best way to aviod this is by having little hope.
If you expect things to suck, you're either right or surprised that things aren't that bad
I mean, as a human population we have hopes, dreams, and asperations. But life seems to pound down our expectations. Because we hope so much for something great, and when the real thing comes, it cant compare! Not it the slightest.
I've found that the best way to aviod this is by having little hope.
If you expect things to suck, you're either right or surprised that things aren't that bad
Oops!!
wow, I haven't been on here in FOREVER! I forgot I even had a blog, I'm a bad person DX
Sorry hahaha.
Sorry hahaha.
Monday, April 27, 2009
WELCOME!!!!!
well although its a bit later, Welcome To My Blog!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Yeah, so read, enjoy, take what you will from this, and sadly everything I say here is true!!!!
Life, cant live with it, Die without it!!
well see here I am, in Info tech drinking a Monster and listening to I Kissed A Boy by Cobra Starship. Why am I blogging? Well thats because my teacher told me to!! So here I go:
Life is never what you really want, now is it?
You never stay happy for very long
Good things happen, then you get fucked!
Well it happens to me all the time! Im happy, life's good, then everything falls apart!! I hate the most, that no one sees me break, no one even cares!! So I stand, or well fall, alone. In a world so dark, its amazing that I ever saw the light. What really sucks is that, everyone says they care, try to be sympathetic, say they can empathize, but they cant. If they have sooooo much advice, then why are they no where to be seen when I need it?!?!
But I guess its not really their faults right? We have have our flaws, I know I have mine!! I would scream out, if this thing could afford to give me air! But for now, Im suffocating under the weight it all! I dont know how much their dealing with, but it seems to me they're doing a better job than me. I envy their happiness!!
Life is never what you really want, now is it?
You never stay happy for very long
Good things happen, then you get fucked!
Well it happens to me all the time! Im happy, life's good, then everything falls apart!! I hate the most, that no one sees me break, no one even cares!! So I stand, or well fall, alone. In a world so dark, its amazing that I ever saw the light. What really sucks is that, everyone says they care, try to be sympathetic, say they can empathize, but they cant. If they have sooooo much advice, then why are they no where to be seen when I need it?!?!
But I guess its not really their faults right? We have have our flaws, I know I have mine!! I would scream out, if this thing could afford to give me air! But for now, Im suffocating under the weight it all! I dont know how much their dealing with, but it seems to me they're doing a better job than me. I envy their happiness!!
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Little complaints
Change is something seldom seen. Much like the beauty of mankind, it may not exist at all. One more promise of socity is broken. One more hope of the abandond child is crushed! Would anyone care? Would anyone notice if one more person disapeared? We are all to wrapped up in our own little, insignificant lives to notice those around us. We look up to others who wouldn't care whether we lived or died, and inspired I supose, we do the same! Then we everyone finally realizes that no one cares about them, they brood. They complain, and they hit it hard! What do they hit you ask? Well it seems that people's favorite pain coper is.. you guessed it! Drugs. Yes they become hoplessly addicted to drug, and blame it on their sick desperation. Which of course was caused by someone else!
Another large problem of people is, we never take the blame for anything thats wrong. If your alone, its because no one understands. If your unemployed, its because they wouldnt cut any slack! Im so sick of people complaining about all thats wrong, but not doing a thing about it! People waiting around for some magic fix! But of course I understand that things arent easy to be taken care of.
But I can't understand, why people choose not to admit that there is a problem? They become so miserable, so depressed. Their problems harden them so much. They would rather be alone and in pain, then admit something is wrong. But why? What do they get out of it? Is it to prove they are storg, but then, who do they have left to prove it to?
Another large problem of people is, we never take the blame for anything thats wrong. If your alone, its because no one understands. If your unemployed, its because they wouldnt cut any slack! Im so sick of people complaining about all thats wrong, but not doing a thing about it! People waiting around for some magic fix! But of course I understand that things arent easy to be taken care of.
But I can't understand, why people choose not to admit that there is a problem? They become so miserable, so depressed. Their problems harden them so much. They would rather be alone and in pain, then admit something is wrong. But why? What do they get out of it? Is it to prove they are storg, but then, who do they have left to prove it to?
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