You IM'd me last night to tell me you knew how I felt when I told you I was depressed.
You told me you'd felt that way for a while
And that you'd gotten help
And you stopped taking the pills
You didn't ask if I'd gotten help, and you didn't ask if I needed help
I know we aren't friends anymore, and I was doing great without you
But when you started talking to me again a few months ago, I wanted to die. YOu don't know what you do to me, and I can't ever tell you, and I hate it.
You're a fucking leech.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Am I Insane?
So I'm not exactly a loyal blogger. But then again, its not like I have any loyal readers.
I guess, I'm just tired of talking completely to myself. So why not post my thoughts on the Internet?
I'm a little scared, honestly. I mean, I have a complete list of different mental disorders I may have, many that I'm sure of.
I'm 90% positive that I am bipolar. And the problem isn't with getting it diagnosed, but my parents have this pedestal they've put me on, and I'm not sure how they would take it if they truly realized I was damaged. But I take handle hiding it any more. I keep so much inside, that now I have an anxiety disorder. I took a test that told me I have server anxiety, and server type 1 bipolar disorder. If all of this is true, I'd like to know. If everything that I wrong with me can be managed with a pill or two, bring it on.
But I am so sick of crying in my room, wanting some sort of release. And not being able to tell anyone because I'm terrified to let my parents down and break their hearts.
I can't be the person I am, because no one would even understand that. So I put on a mask all the time, and when things get too hard, I hide away in my bedroom and tell people that I'm tired.
Now, as for why I even took the anxiety online test:
You see, I used to not mind being in crowds of people, and what not. But these past few weeks, when I'm in the halls, I get nervous, terrified even. And I cant breathe. So I just claw at myself and run to my class. I cant take a deep breath until I am sitting down at my desk, and even still its shaky and unstable. So that brings us to the test, I saw it online, and was curious. Giving in to my speculations, I clicked on it. But as I was looking at the questions that ranged for the last month of my life, I found myself clicking mainly of "almost always". I hadn't thought it was that bad, not until the results said I was suffering with server anxiety. I know that it isn't an exact diagnosis, but it still scared and shocked me. Even still I have every symptom related to the bipolar disorder.
My only problem is this, when I go to the doctor on Friday to discus my inability to sleep, should I bring it up to him or her then? Do I ask my mom to leave the room? Or do I tell him my speculations in front of her? Or, do I tell her I want my independence, and say I want to do this appointment without her? After all, I am 17.
Truly, I need some help, of any kind!
Bye...
I guess, I'm just tired of talking completely to myself. So why not post my thoughts on the Internet?
I'm a little scared, honestly. I mean, I have a complete list of different mental disorders I may have, many that I'm sure of.
I'm 90% positive that I am bipolar. And the problem isn't with getting it diagnosed, but my parents have this pedestal they've put me on, and I'm not sure how they would take it if they truly realized I was damaged. But I take handle hiding it any more. I keep so much inside, that now I have an anxiety disorder. I took a test that told me I have server anxiety, and server type 1 bipolar disorder. If all of this is true, I'd like to know. If everything that I wrong with me can be managed with a pill or two, bring it on.
But I am so sick of crying in my room, wanting some sort of release. And not being able to tell anyone because I'm terrified to let my parents down and break their hearts.
I can't be the person I am, because no one would even understand that. So I put on a mask all the time, and when things get too hard, I hide away in my bedroom and tell people that I'm tired.
Now, as for why I even took the anxiety online test:
You see, I used to not mind being in crowds of people, and what not. But these past few weeks, when I'm in the halls, I get nervous, terrified even. And I cant breathe. So I just claw at myself and run to my class. I cant take a deep breath until I am sitting down at my desk, and even still its shaky and unstable. So that brings us to the test, I saw it online, and was curious. Giving in to my speculations, I clicked on it. But as I was looking at the questions that ranged for the last month of my life, I found myself clicking mainly of "almost always". I hadn't thought it was that bad, not until the results said I was suffering with server anxiety. I know that it isn't an exact diagnosis, but it still scared and shocked me. Even still I have every symptom related to the bipolar disorder.
My only problem is this, when I go to the doctor on Friday to discus my inability to sleep, should I bring it up to him or her then? Do I ask my mom to leave the room? Or do I tell him my speculations in front of her? Or, do I tell her I want my independence, and say I want to do this appointment without her? After all, I am 17.
Truly, I need some help, of any kind!
Bye...
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